Jan 28, 2014

Posted by in Ramblings, Science

How To Make Shark Killing Popular

How To Make Shark Killing Popular

The shark cull has begun in Western Australia, a place I was born and lived in for the first two decades of my life.  It has been a very unpopular thing amongst anyone not being paid to kill sharks or about three members of state parliament.

Today, Troy Buswell called shooting sharks in the head humane.  The Right Honourable Mr Buswell, if you’re not aware is a man who increased his winning margin at the last election, despite publicly admitting to sniffing his secretary’s chair and then making sex noises.

But despite all this loveable, larrikin behaviour, Troy, the state Premier Colin Barnett and their shark shooting buddies are very unpopular at the moment all because the stupid public don’t see that killing sharks is the right thing to do for the safety of everyone in the world.  I mean even Ricky Gervais is bloody tweeting them about it when he should be holed up all afternoon baiting religious people and hanging out with Muppets.  My heart goes out to them.  They’ve got the best interests of the WA people at heart and all they get is abuse.  So I’ve come up with some ideas to really swing the public around to the idea of flat out killing protected species for shits and giggles.

1)  Community policing the word Shark

Clearly just the word will terrify people for starters.  It must be stomped out, scribbled out and defaced at every opportunity.  Each time someone erases the word shark, or removes some sort of shark related item from public view, they win a can of beer.  This would appeal hugely toRandyDePuniet13 the select few West Australians who support the shark cull and can also read, although this does run the risk of them thinking they have to start shooting the word as well as the fish. This would mean there is no chance of Greg Norman ever returning to play at The Vines and poor Randy De Puniet, brand ambassador for Shark helmets would be in a right pickle should he ever wish to visit.  Not only would his head say ‘Shark’ but he would also be a foreigner. Sure, he’s married to an Australian but she’s from the eastern states. He’d be shot before he cleared customs.

2) Do a small budget remake of Jaws with Buswell in the role of Chief Brody

This is a double win for Troy.  Firstly he can use government funds and say he’s injecting cash into the arts which’ll make all the commy-shark-loving-lefties happy.  And he wouldn’t need a huge budget anyway.  There’s plenty of film students in Perth who haven’t saved up enough pocket money so they can leave for anywhere else yet, so the labour will be cheap.  And everyone knows the biggest cost and difficulty on Steven Spielberg’s set was Bruce, the mechanical shark.  Think of the money he’ll save by just blowing up real ones take after take until either a) he’s got the shot he’s after or b) they run out of sharks.

On top of that, Troy gets to be the hero in a blockbuster.  Who didn’t love Roy Scheider in that film?  He could do a scene with his secretary, in his office, where she sweetly mimics his every move.  Sniffing the chair, groaning like a sex pest and so on.  Later he could sit around a table with Barnett and a hunter so they could show off by comparing and contrasting their favourite adjectives they stuck in front of the phrase ‘Mining tax’.  Colin would say he called it perverse once, Troy would giggle, then they’d all get drunk and sing Rodney Rude jingles.  It’d be a heart warming, humanising scene before they all got up in the morning, a little hungover, and resumed murdering endangered species for your safety.

3) Whack a Shark at Hillary’s Boat Harbour

AQWA, the aquarium at Hillary’s Boat Harbour is a wonderful marine life conservation centre.  It’s got a massive shark tank where you can travel around on a moving walkway and marvel at these magnificent creatures.  Or so they’d have you believe.  Given we now know that all sharks are man eating murder tubes the sick propaganda peddled by AQWA must be stopped.  Or at least have the WA school groups and tourists driven away to a more fun filled shark experience across the way.

So before shooting all the sharks, round some up and leave them in a pen in the boat harbour.  School kids can then pay $5 for two goes at whacking one on the head with a mallet.  Whack-A-Mole is a great carnival game but children can’t relate to it in WA.  There’s no moles in their gardens.  They’re cute and fuzzy, who’d want to whack one of them?  But whack-a-shark, well, that’s a much better idea.  Perhaps each successful whack is greeted with a bell and a jolly cartoon voice over done by Howard Satler that says something like, ‘I deserved that because I want to eat your Mum to death’.  This’ll inspire kids and adults alike to come back and whack more and more sharks to hear all the fun phrases performed by a variety of right wing Perthanalities.  AQWA and their wildlife conservation message will shut down so fast they’ll have to cook their turtles just to stave off bankruptcy.

4) Encourage gang violence 

shark-15_lLots of people are under the false impression that sharks only attack people when they stray into their natural territory, the ocean.  This is one of the key reasons people get all bleeding heart liberal about killing them.  So people need to know that sharks are killers everywhere, all the time.  Tell local thugs and bikie gangs they get a free pass if they do their violence in shark costumes.  If you need to shoot up a bar because someone looked at you funny, that’s fine.  Just pop to the loos, throw on a shark costume and return to the bar.  Jumping up on a pool table scream something like, ‘I am a shark.  No-one is safe!  There’s nowhere to run!  I am a land dwelling shark with a cricket bat and a shotgun.  Evolution!  Science! Killing machine!’

Just make sure someone takes a picture of you doing your violence in the shark outfit to show the police when they arrive so you won’t be arrested.

It is important that people realise that sharks are not just animals living in the ocean doing what they do.  They are cold blooded killers who want to kill you wherever you are.  Also they hate cricket so are distinctly unAustralian.

5) Paint Sharks as Immigrants

It’s a well known fact almost all Australians are boat people hating, racist, white suprematists.  Well, did you know some of these sharks are in actual fact FOREIGN SHARKS.  They just swim into our waters, eat our swimmers and then expect to be PROTECTED FOR IT.  It’s disgusting.  One of them is called a Great White Shark but most of it is grey which is like black which is bad.

It would be different if these sharks came to Australian waters legally, through the correct channels, with the right paperwork, but they don’t do they?  They just swim around like they own the place, refusing to mingle with our fish and speak in our proper Australian dolphin clicks and whistles.  Before you know it there’ll be no room on our beaches for Australian sharks.  If Finding Nemo taught us anything it’s that proper sharks have thick Australian accents.

I would strongly suggest Troy gets the paint brush and pickets out and starts putting some of these facts on signs to put up at local beaches and roundabouts.  If that doesn’t get the public on side, nothing will.

And finally…

6) Get A Celebrity Shark Killer

Steve Irwin banged on and on about saving animals until one of the bastards went and killed him.  Peter Brock banged on and on about how great cars were till one of them killed em.  I bet even Marvin Gaye liked his dad at some point.

The point is, people still think cars are great because Brocky said so because he’s famous and King of the Mountain and BROCKY!  So all WA need is a massive celebrity to endorse shark killing.  Someone who is so loved by his or her fans, no matter what he or she does, they will be supported and applauded.  Say, I dunno, hypothetically they were caught drunk, speeding through Miami in a rented supercar.  You’d want their fans to be all like, ‘I LOVE YOU!’ rather than, ‘What a fucking dangerous thing to do, I hope he’s arrested’.  So you’d need someone like that.  And they’d need to have a lot of free time because there’s a lot of fish to shoot so they’d need to be recently retired as well.

When Justin Bieber performed in Perth last year he created a media storm by calling a fan a ‘beached whale’.  This is perfect.  He has already shown a distaste for marine life so he’d be more than up for killing some.  A few people got upset with the star for saying such a thing to a supposed fan before we all went back to beliebing because he’s just so dreamy.

So the solution is simple.  Have a cake stall and a chook raffle on the lawn at Parliament House and pay Biebs to come out for a few weeks.  Tell him he can have a couple of V8s from Brian Gardner Holden to thrash up and down the freeway, they’ll email him the booze bus locations and just give him the whole of Rockingham for a fortnight to do what he wants with.  No-one will notice the difference when he’s done anyway.  But this is all on the proviso he’s seen at least once a week, with his jeans hanging below his Calvin Kleins and his hat sideways while he blows a protected specie that exists as a perfect example of natural selection brains out.  Then he can tweet a picture with #sharkcunts and say that he reckons Anne Frank fucking hated sharks as well.

There are many petitions you can sign to try and help stop the shark cull.  Here’s one at Change.  And here’s a clever one for international readers saying you won’t visit WA unless they stop it.

As usual, I’m too busy to do much proof reading, there may be typos.  Photos from Foter and Aspar.

And our science app The Incomplete Map of the Cosmic Genome with Robin Ince, Brian Cox, Richard Dawkins et al is out now.

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